Standing on the rocky ledge, I found myself holding my breath. It took some time before I even realized where I was. Step by step, I carefully made my journey to the edge of the rugged coastline that touched the churning sea. It was as if I was standing on stone fingers that were pleading out from the base of the cliff and out into the cold, grey Atlantic Ocean. The hypnotizing rhythm of the crashing waves lulled me into a relaxed state. If I had thought about it long enough, I don’t think I would even have been standing there with my usual uneasiness of risky locations. Not always the steadiest on my feet, I tend to be more cautious in my ambitions. This time however, I felt called to her without a doubt in my mind. In a snap and before I even realized it, I was standing at the water’s edge reminding myself to take in a slow, deep breath. The salty air entwined with the scent of the pine and spruce trees, carried me to a place that felt otherworldly. Taking a moment to feel the energy of where I was, my own personal waves were beginning to reach up from my depths, touching off a series of emotions I was not expecting to feel. Here, on the literal boarder of land and sea, earth and water, practicality and courage, intellect and emotions, I felt my inner tides rip me out into my own churning internal sea. In that moment, I chose to sit down and surrender to it. The mist sprayed all around me as I released my own salty tears while covered in a thick blanket of silvery fog. It was a cleansing for my body and soul in preparation for what was about to come. That was an experience I did not expect, nor will I ever forget.
Looking out at the vast sea and reflecting on my experiences, I realized that I have had so many thoughts in my head over the last few months. I am sure there are many of us who have felt this too. Times have not been easy. They have not been kind or gentle either. I have found myself feeling like a tiny boat in a raging sea. My regular routine wasn’t working. I found I was filling up with deeper and more intense emotions while experiencing some very difficult situations without a way of understanding let alone releasing them. At times, I wasn’t sure what I was doing wrong or what was even going on. The last few weeks have felt like a lifetime. I realized with meditation, reflection, deep conversations, rituals, and some journaling, that I needed something more. I craved something to help create the change my body, mind, and heart needed. I fully didn’t know how to make that shift from being swept up in feeling ‘too much’ to feeling back in balance again. It took some time and a reminder of the intensely beautiful experience at the ocean to begin to shake me up a bit. I needed to stop. Breathe. Disengage. And simply let go. Honestly, that scared the hell out of me.
There have been days when I found that I didn’t have the strength or mental capacity for my regular practice of meditation, journaling, offerings, etc. Some days, even lighting my candles felt like it would take too much energy that I simply did not have. It was in those terribly difficult days that I sat in silence, whispering to my spirits, gods, or anyone that would listen to the noise in my head. Guilt ripped at me as much as the grief and sadness. Maybe that was why I couldn’t hear a clear, direct answer. I was too full and too tired. Messages did come however. They came through other people, wise ones in my life. I began to see how I was holding onto the noise and sorrow. It wasn’t just my own either. It was from all around me too. I flashed back to the very first time I was in a canoe over twenty years ago. I was holding on so tightly from fear that my hands hurt for a few days after. Yes. I was overflowing. That wasn’t helpful or healthy. Then, the understanding began to flow. I was way too full. I realized I needed to empty myself out. I am still working on the release but it is steadily moving in a better direction. I am grateful for that.
There was something beautiful that took place on that jagged coastline. It was cleansing and it helped to prepare me for what was to come, even though I did not realize it at the time. The instinctive pull that led me to the edge of the shore was a mystery to me that day. I was taken into unknown depths in that moment. I just didn’t realize it was a foreshadowing of what was to take place over the next few weeks. I had forgotten that I was supported by the people and the spirits in my life. I think it took a little darkness to remember to embrace the light within and around me.
I know these are heavy times. We can feel lost, angry, overwhelmed, confusion, and deep sorrow. There is no one charm or magic switch that can help us make it all ok. However, we can rest and take breaks. We can forgive ourselves and be gentle. If we need to cocoon ourselves for a bit, then we must do that. We can reach out to those special people in our lives. We can love and hold ourselves and each other. We can find joy in the small pleasures we offer to ourselves. We can breathe deeply and feel the sunlight or moonlight upon our skin. Finally, if or when when we are pulled out to sea, we need to remember to trust the current, stay calm, keep sight of the shore, call for help if we need it, and understand that we will come to shore once again.
May you find the peace within you, a simple joy in each day, and love and comfort to keep and bless you.
Be well,
Renee Bedard ~ The Whispering Crow
The Whispering Crow 